So confused have I been over my blogging pursuits that I devoted my entire therapy session on Monday to hashing it out. And it worked, yet again! Therapy is so amazing like that. In case anyone was holding her breath waiting to see if my art blog and this blog would become one, the answer is: No. I’ve decided that they fill very different needs and there simply is nothing wrong with having more than one, and that it would be weird to have all of my personal parts waving about in the open. I’m going to be a part of a collaborative, somewhat formal art-writing blog that will start in a few months, and once that happens my art blog might morph into something more general/personal/specific, but this one will stay the same. Whew! I’m glad I finally got the identity crises out of the way– at least for a while.
* I’ve also realized I want to write more often on this blog, without thinking much about having something particularly clever or eloquent to say, and without gentle transitions between topics.
Maddie’s dying did a number on me. In addition to the sadness for the loss of this beautiful girl that had become our little friend, her dying summoned back my waves of dread/paranoia, the need to constantly check to make sure A. is breathing. I had begun to get better about this, with the OCD quelled to near-harmlessness, because we have about reached the 12 month adjusted age milestone where suddenly the constant barrage of SIDS warnings backs off. So many invitations to be afraid everywhere you look, it seems. If it’s not the ALL CAPS warnings on their little chickie clothes warning of FLAMMABILITY (do babies spontaneously burst into flames?), it’s a renegade plastic bag suffocation device lurking in a dark corner or a piece of food nugget of death inviting inhalation. It can wear on one’s nerves, this constant reminder to be on the edge of one’s seat. Sometimes it’s hard to negotiate the edge-of-the-seat feeling and the happy forgetting of that feeling so that I can enjoy life with my baby. I guess it’s a matter of learning to live happily on the edge of one’s seat. Or vacillating back and forth wildly.
Today Wifey and I and my mom and dad are taking Mister Finn on his first trip to the zoo. He will see a giraffe for the first time. I wonder what it’s like to see a giraffe for the first time? It is a gorgeous sunny day. Hopefully we’ll hear a lion roar.
I was voting for keeping them separate, but I didn’t want to taint your decision-making process:) It is just nice to have someplace like this, and someplace like that.
As for the obsessiveness… I get myself into a lot of trouble with that. As soon as I think I need to check on D., then I really need to check on D. because what if I thought to check on him and didn’t and something awful happened? Ugh. I got myself into a mess the other night because I was hovering and woke him up. Boooo. I keep waiting for the day that I don’t wake several times night to lay my hand on his little belly to make sure it is rising and falling at a reasonable pace.
Your doing great.
and, well…
I’ll see you in a month a 2 days!!!!
xoxoxoxo
I agree with Meredith and you and others about keeping the blogs separate. You are of course one person and many all at once and sometimes it’s easier for readers if they know which blog to go to for the art voice, the mom voice, etc. As for the ZOO, please post photos! I want to know how A responds to all the animals, every single one.
Love you.