Archive for June, 2009

A. has a cough, and a cold, and I have a knot in my stomach that gets bigger every time he coughs.  It makes no sense that I would react this way; or it makes all the sense in the world, depending on how you look at it. It’s the end of the day and I’m exhausted from worry.  Fucking worry.

It is not really any different from any of the other coughs our sweet boy has had his first year of life. Why am I obsessing about this one? Ah, oh yeah, I guess I obsess about all of them. It just seems like he’s barely over one “innocent” cough/cold before he’s got another one! Do all babies get coughs this often?  For nearly every cough, we’ve called the after hours nurse line, or his pediatrician, asking if we should bring him in. They always say No, unless he:

a. is having chest refractions, and/or showing difficulty breathing

b. has a high fever and the cough is not getting better

c. is blue

d. is wheezing or making noises when he breathes

e. has the cough for more than 3 weeks

I know these things, I know what to look for, and yet loose grasp of their place in reality. Because I also know Maddie, and I also have lived through a three month NICU stay, complete with diagnoses of Respiratory Distress Syndrome and Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia. And then there’s “swine flu” on the radio. A lovely cocktail of anxiety.

Is he sick because I let him play in the water when it was possibly not hot enough out? (It seemed warm enough, but then the sun would go behind the clouds and the wind would blow…?..?)

While I find myself here, at this point in time,


there is a part of me that is still here.


What I want to know is, is there a part of my former preemie that is still here?


Or is he good to go?


Is this a “normal” cough? Are his lungs perfect now? He has not had a single infection, nor hospital stay, nor dose of oxygen or albuterol, nor antibiotics nor post-discharge breathing episode. He has not had RSV or pneumonia or bronchitis or bronchilococolitis (or whatever that cousin of bronchitis is called). A test last year revealed that he did get “paraflu,” the virus that can lead to “croup” but he did not get croup. But still, I worry. Thank god for wine, and thank god for the hour when it is acceptable to drink it.

Mister Finn never saw a pulmonologist post-discharge, because he did not come home on oxygen. But I wonder if I should get his pediatrician to write a referral for one so that we can have tests done to alleviate some worry? Do such tests exist?

This boy is the best thing in the world. I love him so much that sometimes it’s scary to think about how much I love him.


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A Boy and His Puppy

When you were in the hospital we would bring home your dirty clothes and let Winnie smell them so that she would get to know you.

On the day we brought you home, it was a special moment when she got to meet you. She was very curious and excited, wagging her tail to say, “This is the creature I’ve been smelling!”

She tries to sneak licks, puppy kisses.


She takes naps next to you.


She likes to lay in the sun with us.


You reach your hand out to her and she comes and licks it.


We teach you how to pet her gently.


She plays on the floor with you.


She’s a part of our pack.


She always wants to be where you are.


You go on adventures together.


You crawl really fast towards her, which looks like this:


She is always curious about the new things you’re doing.


She brings you her Duck.


She is your friend.


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Helloooo out there!

Big gap in blog writing for me!  I have been sporadically reading other people’s blogs, though I haven’t been commenting, or writing on my own.

This month we were visited by our very special friends, M. and family. Our place is smallish and open-ceilinged (read: no soundproofing) so it could have been disastrous with a 6 month old (Baby D.) and 13 month old (Mister Finn) but actually we did wonderfully in spite of our architectural handicap. We love this family, they are so dear to us. It had been too long since we’d all been in the same place. We packed as much as we could into 5 days, allowing for lazy mornings and babies’ naps.

nurselog[M. with Baby D., and Me nursing A. on a nurse log]

Other than that, things have been pleasantly un-noteworthy. A big change from last year! Today was our 5th wedding anniversary. Last June 19th, we were so stressed out we didn’t even realize it was our anniversary. I was checking in at the liver specialist’s office after having been recently weaned off Prednisone, while suddenly feeling incredibly ill with what I was certain was mastitis (I was right), when I signed the insurance form and saw the date and started sobbing right there at the reception desk. By the time I actually met with the doctor I was incoherent and inconsolable and in a lot of (breast) pain. He asked if I was having symptoms of Depression and I maintained, No you clod, everything just happens to suck right now! (I was wrong. Not about everything sucking, but wrong about not being Depressed.) He is a sweet, concerned man and was just trying to help; and I needed help, so you’d think we would have been off to a good start but I nipped it in the bud!

I’ve been keeping a bloggy baby book for A., to share with his friends and family, so when I finally write about his recent adventures I’ll post them here as well. He is crawling and has lots of teeth!

I’ve missed you far-off lovelies! I won’t be gone so long next time.


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