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Posts Tagged ‘IUGR’

I have started so many posts the past few years with the heading of “An Update on our Preemie” and never have time (or take the time, I guess) to finish them. So I thought I would share this letter I wrote to the principal and possible kindergarten teachers at the school he’ll be going to in the fall.

I can’t believe our little guy is 5.

So here is the letter, though incomplete and imperfect:

A. is a little lover with a grand imagination. He is a little different and very sweet.

He has an IEP and is coming from A.E. Preschool. He has some delays with motor skills (hitting all milestones late, but still reaching them) as well as some processing issues with some sensory and social situations. He was born three months early. Overall, he seems to be “catching up” to his peers, and placement in a “normal” kindergarten class makes sense for him.

A. is very fond of other kids. He cautiously walks up to a kid he’s never met, makes eye contact as though he is beholding a saint, then slowly makes a move to hug the kid. Often, he tries to follow with a kiss on the cheek. We have been working on this for years (he used to indiscriminately hug all kids without reading their cues, and regardless of their protests) and he has gotten MUCH better (he takes his time and reads their cues but heeds them only half the time), but still has work to do (kisses should only be for family; he needs to give others more personal space; he is working on trying to engage other kids in other ways– telling them his name, asking to play, etc.).  If someone is hurt or upset, A. is right there wanting to comfort.

A. can read. He reads entire books by himself, occasionally asking us words like “persuade.” He seems to be at about a 2nd grade reading level.

He loves to make up stories. He loves music and dance. He loves acting out parts in little “plays.”

He is wildly uncoordinated and will need extra help if he is to engage in any kind of sport activity or game that engages gross motor skills. Unless he has persistent guidance, he won’t enter into a game involving gross motor skills, and will instead stand aside and enter into his own private world, which usually means narrating aloud a story he is making up. Or, he’ll talk to himself about stuff that’s happened in his life.

A. was in preschool (before attending A.E.’s Preschool program) with several of the other kids coming into kindergarten at P. this year. He has had some sweet friendships with some of them, and was bullied by some of them.

He is friends with C.P. (we live in the same building and they’ve known each other their whole lives). They love each other and play well together. Though, they would play even better if he could do a better job respecting her personal space and wasn’t always trying to hug and kiss her.

He plays well with I.E.– they were in preschool together when they were 2. They saw each other again on the orientation night a few weeks ago and they held hands a lot that night and were sweetly responsive to each other.

In preschool (age 3) he was bullied by C.M. and A.D. They were consistently mean to him, not letting him play with them or with their friends and always telling him to go away when he walked over to play.

In preschool (age 3) M.K. was nice to A. and they interacted well, though they really only parallel played together.

Dynamics with all of these kids could be very different now, but we were told it would be helpful to describe past relationships. Of course we can’t protect him thoroughly forever, but we would like to do everything we can to keep him from being bullied. A. is very trusting of other kids and is one of those kids who keeps coming back for more, keeps trying to engage, even when the kid is being mean. It doesn’t help that sometimes he intentionally annoys other kids just for the sheer joy of getting a reaction.

 

With no coaching from us, when he finds a stick he imagines it is a trumpet or fairy wand or drum stick, rather than a sword or gun.

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So here’s what’s weird:  No child other than mine has cried or shown any signs of a meltdown in two days of preschool.  WTF, toddlerz?? They all are terrifically angelic. I was actually relieved when a little girl hit my child on the head (lightly, to reprimand him for taking her doll). Today was hard. I’m exhausted. Mister Finn was overwhelmed. Wifey came with us, even though the plan was for me to go alone with A. But it was only 8am and I felt like my brain might explode from the stress of it all, and then the dog had diarrhea.

Preschool feels like preemie judgement day, whereby it is made known to us and the world that A. is just like any other two year old, or different, due to his preemieness. There are a host of other two year olds running around to compare him to. There are a host of other parents around to do the comparing. WHY did he have to end up in a class of seasoned, gifted preschoolgoers?

A. is different, due to his preemieness. He has a mild version of Sensory Processing Disorder. This is a disorder that includes many “normal” people and spans all the way to people who can barely function. It is common with preemies; especially ones that had IUGR. Mild cases often go undiagnosed, as A.’s probably would have if he hadn’t been a preemie with many caregivers on the lookout for it. It is something that improves dramatically with therapy, and kids usually grow out of it with or without therapy. A. has been seeing an Occupational Therapist to help with oral aversion issues (not wanting to eat solid foods, brush teeth, etc.) , and other hypersensitivity issues. People with SPD are often either hypersensitive (extra sensitive to their environment) or hyposensitive (not sensitive to their environment, and needing a lot of stimulation in order to have a response).  A. has made a lot of progress with his OT. He’ll eat most solid foods, but won’t let us brush his teeth. (This freaks Wifey out.)

Since his version of SPD is still within the range of normal two-year-old behavior, it has been hard to discern what is going on when he has a meltdown or heightened reaction to something. Is this the sensory/preemie stuff?–we ask each other all the time–or normal two-year-old stuff? Or just his personality? Or maybe he just didn’t get enough sleep last night? It’s usually a combination of all of the above, mixed together into a toddler cocktail of distress.  SPD and “normal” mix and meld into each other. One could argue that all toddlers have SPD. Meltdowns are frequent, and are caused by things not going the way he would have liked.  Some days there are many meltdowns, some days there are none.

So, it was hard to know what to expect from preschool. His OT thought he was ready, and didn’t recommend a special-needs preschool, so we were mostly optimistic. (Cautiously optimistic: the phrase that hovered over the more peaceful days of my pregnancy, and A’s NICU stay.)

Yesterday after preschool, A. talked a lot about Teacher Linda, and all of his new friends, with delight. And he was delighted to be going to preschool again this morning, until we neared the classroom, when he started crying and running back to the car. We managed to coax him inside, and he did some playing and some grabbing of toys, trying to organize them somehow, I think. He greeted Teacher Linda, but did not want his name tag pinned on his shirt. He read some books, then started crying and ran for the door in a panic. Then we coaxed him back, he played with the doll house, where Ingrid hit him. He cried and ran for the door in a panic. We coaxed him back, and we enjoyed Teacher Linda’s puppet show. The puppet show ended, and he cried and ran for the door in a panic. You get the idea. Snack. Meltdown. Books. Meltdown. Music time. Meltdown. Transition = meltdown. There were some nice moments between meltdowns, but it was mostly meltdowns.

But aren’t meltdowns on the first days of preschool for a 2.5 year old to be expected? I might have thought this was all somewhat normal, if it weren’t for the fact that no other kid in the class had a single meltdown. And a few of their moms left them for the whole class! Alone! (as is our plan, and the class’s design) where they fended for themselves just fine, and were guided like ducklings from play to snack to handwashing to music. They fell right into place, while our little guy, with TWO parents present, was overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.

Sigh. This is all just really hard. It does help to write about it, though.

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I think it’s because things feel like they’ve settled down here that I’ve been having thoughts of wanting another baby. We feel more grounded as a family: we have an awesome babysitter who comes 6 hours/week so I can go to the studio, we’re more financially secure, Wifey’s work schedule is more manageable, and A. gets more wonderful every day.

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For me, it’s not necessarily a logical thing to want another baby; it feels more biological, or hormonal. Or something. I’m having baby urges again. It’s hard though, because the exuberance of the urges is tempered by the thought that I can’t get pregnant again (because I might have the same complications as last time, my liver could shut down and I could die).

Last night I had a dream that I had just found out I was pregnant. I was giddy with joy, but then I would remember the warnings of the liver doctor, then happy again, back and forth. I was walking down a street in a foreign country (Spain?), and there were women singing on the side of the street. I was wondering excitedly, “I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl?” And just as my mind formed the word “girl,” my favorite girl name came as the next word in the women’s song. I was sure it was a sign that I was having a girl, this would be my S.  I was light with joy.

I’ve had an ache in my heart all day, because this won’t ever happen. It seemed so real; it is not that crazy a thing: to already have a beautiful child and then to get to have another. I won’t ever be pregnant again.  It was such a beautiful dream. It felt so natural. I felt so at home with the feeling of having a baby girl growing inside me.

I’m haunted with the thought that maybe there’s some way I could get pregnant again and stay healthy. Maybe my complications in my pregnancy with A. originated with the placenta, as opposed to originating with my body. The doctors acknowledge that this is a possibility, but maintain that there is no way to know. It could have been the placenta, and I could be fine next time. Or it could be that my liver shuts down when I’m pregnant. If I were to get pregnant again and my liver started shutting down, it could be at 27 weeks, or 34 weeks, or 16 weeks, or 23 weeks. The baby would have to come out and most likely struggle in the NICU for months, and be at risk for many many complications we were so fortunate to have dodged with A.  I would hopefully survive and hopefully my liver would recover after 3 months of steroids.

I’m totally on board with the logic that it is not worth these risks.

Wifey would probably do splendidly pregnant, and yes, we are lucky that there is another uterus among us. She has never had the subconscious/conscious/bodily urges to be pregnant. She’s also not sure she wants another child. Which is totally reasonable. She’s (I admit, rightfully) terrified of increasing the chaos in our life. She agrees that it would be doable, it’s just that our resources are thin. Our place is just barely big enough for the three of us, our income just barely enough, our time with each other and for ourselves is already stretched thin.  It’s the logical thing to enjoy the settled feelings we’re experiencing now with our little family, rather than throw it into upheaval and invite more unknowables.

I still often feel like I can’t believe I was really pregnant. We had a pregnant friend over last night who is having a great pregnancy, and she looks perfectly healthy and totally wonderful. I guess even if I never looked like that, I was still pregnant. Our pregnancy was terrifying most of the time, but I was still pregnant. I was swollen and not beautiful, but I was still pregnant.

August 2007, didn’t even know I was pregnant yet:

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Just a few weeks pregnant, already nauseous and zonked.

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13 weeks:

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15 weeks:

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20 weeks, Christmas

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21 weeks, January 2008

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27 weeks 3 days: February 9th 200827weeks

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A. has a cough, and a cold, and I have a knot in my stomach that gets bigger every time he coughs.  It makes no sense that I would react this way; or it makes all the sense in the world, depending on how you look at it. It’s the end of the day and I’m exhausted from worry.  Fucking worry.

It is not really any different from any of the other coughs our sweet boy has had his first year of life. Why am I obsessing about this one? Ah, oh yeah, I guess I obsess about all of them. It just seems like he’s barely over one “innocent” cough/cold before he’s got another one! Do all babies get coughs this often?  For nearly every cough, we’ve called the after hours nurse line, or his pediatrician, asking if we should bring him in. They always say No, unless he:

a. is having chest refractions, and/or showing difficulty breathing

b. has a high fever and the cough is not getting better

c. is blue

d. is wheezing or making noises when he breathes

e. has the cough for more than 3 weeks

I know these things, I know what to look for, and yet loose grasp of their place in reality. Because I also know Maddie, and I also have lived through a three month NICU stay, complete with diagnoses of Respiratory Distress Syndrome and Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia. And then there’s “swine flu” on the radio. A lovely cocktail of anxiety.

Is he sick because I let him play in the water when it was possibly not hot enough out? (It seemed warm enough, but then the sun would go behind the clouds and the wind would blow…?..?)

While I find myself here, at this point in time,

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there is a part of me that is still here.

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What I want to know is, is there a part of my former preemie that is still here?

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Or is he good to go?

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Is this a “normal” cough? Are his lungs perfect now? He has not had a single infection, nor hospital stay, nor dose of oxygen or albuterol, nor antibiotics nor post-discharge breathing episode. He has not had RSV or pneumonia or bronchitis or bronchilococolitis (or whatever that cousin of bronchitis is called). A test last year revealed that he did get “paraflu,” the virus that can lead to “croup” but he did not get croup. But still, I worry. Thank god for wine, and thank god for the hour when it is acceptable to drink it.

Mister Finn never saw a pulmonologist post-discharge, because he did not come home on oxygen. But I wonder if I should get his pediatrician to write a referral for one so that we can have tests done to alleviate some worry? Do such tests exist?

This boy is the best thing in the world. I love him so much that sometimes it’s scary to think about how much I love him.

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maryplaymobil

I feel really nervous sitting down to write this. I want to write it all out so that I can anchor myself in the present as I plan A.’s first birthday.

This is the first time I saw my son, standing.

standing

I was totally drugged on magnesium for the first day and a half after A.’s birth (to prevent seizures as my liver was recovering).  He was born on a Saturday night, and I didn’t realize I had had a baby until Monday.  Am I a mother?  Do I have a son? The first time I let myself think those thoughts, I was washed with a joy uncertain. It would rise up like a question, I would hold it a minute, then let it go before I got too hopeful.

W. and I had no knowledge of preemies and their ability to turn into healthy kids, so we were terrified and in shock. It would have helped immensely if I had already been connected to this blogging community.

There were so many weird, fucked-up feelings coursing through me, especially the first few days.  I read about these feelings in support books, but I was certain that mine were worse.  There was:  Fear of my baby, fear of looking at my baby, fear of loving my baby and getting attached to him, fear of dying and not being able to raise my baby. Disbelief that I had given birth. Feeling like I was cheating, somehow, if I said I gave birth, because I didn’t, really; rather, I had to have a crazy emergency surgery because I was very sick because my body failed pregnancy and instead got me and my baby very sick. I was actually embarrassed. I had to call and cancel a hair appointment for February 14th, and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that I had failed, as though my pregnancy and now childbirth were a sham.  Had I really even been pregnant? Even that seemed doubtful at this point. Resentful that this was my baby’s birth. Resentful that the name we picked out for our healthy beautiful baby was going to be given to this baby. (How terrible is that? That is the worst one.) Mad at myself for all the fucked-up thoughts. Mad at myself for failing my baby. Mad at my body for not doing what it was supposed to do. Worried that he would die. Worried that he would have permanent health problems. Worried that I would die. Worried that I would have permanent health problems.  Disappointed that there would be no beautiful pictures of me and my baby just after birth, with me looking tired and blessed and him looking new and whole. Instead there would be incubators and wires, and me all swollen and sick. Guilty that I wasn’t what he needed now, for his third trimester. I couldn’t give him what he needed to live. I had failed, and the job was passed to the professionals, who would do it right. Guilty.  I know he needed my milk and that I succeeded in giving it to him. But at the time, I didn’t believe he really needed it, because I had failed him on all counts. I thought the nurses were just telling me it was liquid gold to make me feel better. Sometimes, I couldn’t imagine that there was any way this was all going to be OK– that he would be OK– and I would long for my life before I got pregnant.  Guilty. Guilty for not believing in him from the very beginning. Guilty for not landing on my feet and hitting the ground running. For not launching myself into motion right away and determinedly seeing him as a fighter and myself as his tireless cheerleader. He was a helpless thing that I failed. And what was I? Really, I didn’t know.  I was his visitor that would try not to accidentally hurt him while taking his temperature and changing his diaper.

27weeks

I would see the equipment, the nurses, the specialists, and be stunned, thinking: wow. you really have hope for this little being.  your hope is more beautiful than mine. mine is desperate, doubtful. yours is certain and steady and generous. mine is selfish and wounded.  yours is the hope that he needs right now. you are what he needs right now.  why am i not the one he needs right now?  how can i be the one he needs right now?  am i doing this right?  is this hurting him?  why are his alarms going off?  is this normal?

Much of the time in the NICU, I was keenly aware that I wasn’t supposed to be seeing him yet; he wasn’t supposed to be born yet. Looking at him in his isolette, I often felt like I was looking at an ultrasound. I was seeing my baby, but I was taking a peek at him through a barrier that felt 2 feet thick; I was catching him off guard, disrupting him.

From the very beginning, we were told that there would be good days and bad days; that we’d be on a rollercoaster for three months. That things might get very scary. We were very fortunate that things never did get very scary. There were definitely days that were harder or easier or more distressing or assuring, but there was no day among the 99 days where anyone was truly concerned about his progress. Yet the neonatologists, nurses, respiratory therapists, physical therapists, nurse practitioners, lactation consultants, social workers, other parents, and March of Dimes ladies were constantly reminding us that things could get bad any minute now. We were on the edge of our seats for three months, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There were echoes of other people’s shoes dropping all around us. Two babies died in our nursery.

All of this, and I still knew—I have to admit that I always knew– very deep down, that he was going to be OK. I looked at him, raw and red, and saw a perfectly formed baby. Did I really make him?  Look! He has toes and legs and hair and hands!  He is perfect!  Just very little is all.

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He is holding W’s wedding ring in that picture.

I was excited to blurt his name, his full name, to anyone who would listen. I was certain it was the best name in the whole world.  I drew hearts on all the February 9ths on all our calendars, like a 12 year old with a crush. I sent an email out to all of our friends and family, with the subject heading: our little bird.

He was furry. Especially his shoulders.  We could touch him gently by “containing” him, putting our cupped hands around his head and feet.  He would calm when we did this. It was a few weeks before I could hold him. I felt like his mother when I held him.

29weeks

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Cheech and Chong taught us how to pump. It was funny, but also like Hell.  Two night nurses showed up around 11:30pm the day after his birth. One spoke Chinese primarily, the other spoke Spanish primarily. “Hello Susanna! Do you have pain?! How are you?!  Now, you pump!”  Are you kidding me? Now? I’m only a few hours off the magnesium and totally wiped out. And, Really? You think I’ll even make milk? How could my body possibly make milk? They smiled with relentless cheer and bickered about how best to wash the pump parts, reprimanding Wifey, “No! You wash three times hot water, one time cold water! No soap!”  Then the other would tell us the opposite. “Use Ivory soap only!  You soak 20 minutes!” Then the next day the lactation consultant told us something completely different.

It sucked being in the postpartum unit, where I could hear healthy babies crying in the rooms next door with their mothers.

I was discharged on February 14th. Two days later, my C-Section incision opened. And I was also feeling some of the same abdominal discomfort that I had felt the few days before he had to be delivered; maybe liver issues?  Back to my OB. To be sure the liver issue had resolved itself (as it usually does with HELLP Syndrome), she did bloodwork. My LFT (Liver Function Test) was still very high. (It is supposed to be 0-40 and mine was in the 400’s). I was readmitted to the hospital, and stayed for another frightening week. No one knew what was wrong with me. Sometimes HELLP shows up/sticks around after delivery. Since delivery of the baby is the only cure for HELLP, what do you do if the baby is already delivered? Obviously, you die. Or, remain heavily medicated. But no one was telling me that.  They were just running lots of tests, doing labs twice a day. There was the possibility that it wasn’t HELLP after all, so I was visited by a different doom-speaking specialist every day, and each would order a nerve-wracking ultrasound of a different body part, usually to be performed at some ungodly hour of the day. There were perinatologists, gastroenterologists, wound care specialists, and all the OB’s in my OB’s practice.  I behaved bizarrely stoic through all of this, even cracking jokes with all of the medical staff working on me, and I’m usually not really that funny. I took pictures of them doing wound care on the 1.5″ deep, 5″ wide gash in my abdomen. Really, I was scared, mainly at night. W. stayed with me every night, sleeping on a cot. I would usually wake her in the night and ask her to climb into my hospital bed so that I could feel her breathing and relax enough to sleep. I was very afraid that I would die of this strange disease.

A week after delivery, my LFT was still climbing, not lowering. After ruling out several more possible causes, the OB’s and perinatologists gave up and handed me over to the liver specialist.  He was fatherly, with thick Scottish sweaters. He assured me I would not die, and put me on a hefty dose of prednisone, and the LFT started going down, slowly. I was discharged, and we’d have to wait and see what my liver did on prednisone over the course of a few months. More diagnostic possibilities were weeded out, including three different forms of autoimmune hepatitis, which is what the liver specialist thought I had. This would have meant being on steroids the rest of my life. Each of these tests took forever, and it was weeks before we had answers. Hepatitis E was also ruled out, but first I was called (as in, personally, on the phone, for 45 minute interviews) by the (suddenly concerned!) federal and state government health departments to see how I might have contracted Hepatitis E without having left North America in the last 6 months. Oh yes, I felt special.  Only one case per year is reported in North America, and it is more common in India and some other developing countries. The most rare of all of these possibilities was the very last one, the one the liver specialist took forever to admit that I had. Variant Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy, which one in 15,000 women get. It is usually diagnosed after death, and otherwise can only be diagnosed by biopsy or, the preferred and  less-invasive method, process of elimination. The OB’s still refer to it as HELLP, because Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy and HELLP are on the same spectrum of liver shut-down. It’s like you have preeclampsia on one end and then HELLP and then Fatty Liver.  A person recovers from Fatty Liver of Pregnancy, once the LFT is managed, usually–hopefully– without the help of steroids beyond a few months. I was going to be fine. But I was told that I would die if I tried to have another baby. I was finally weaned off the prednisone on May 7th, A.’s due date.  (Ironic, isn’t it?) I had to go back this week, actually, for my 6 month follow up blood draw to check my LFT, to make sure it is still down. I’ll find out in a week. It was hard being back there, like visiting an old nightmare.

There’s this Bonnie Prince Billy song called “No Bad News” on the album The Letting Go that goes:

hey little bird
hey little bird
thank you for not
letting go of me
when I let go of you.

That’s the song I sang to A. over and over as I held him on my chest.

31weeks

He was so light. We kept him covered with blankets that had been warmed for him. Gradually, we did “skin to skin” for an hour every day. I brought my own bathrobe, and would wait with butterflies in my stomach for the nurse to tell me he was stable enough to be held that day.

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Alarms were always going off, for him and the five other babies in his nursery.

Fortunately, we only live 10 miles from the hospital A. was at. I wasn’t one of those mothers who stayed at the NICU for fourteen hours a day. (more guilt).  Wifey and I would go for about five hours per day, either together or alone at two different times. The last few weeks I would stay longer, but earlier on we couldn’t really go more. I was still sick, and W. was trying to take care of me and go to work, and keep our bills paid, our food stocked, our dog happy, etc.

I was a cheeseburger-eating zombie for three months. Stoic, if I’m feeling generous, but mainly depressed and single-minded. The prednisone was doing weird stuff to my mood. I would walk through the halls of the hospital feeling like I was in a bubble, somehow floating through the real world without being a part of it. The bubble effect was even greater outside the hospital.  I was actually glad to have to pump every 3 hours because it gave me something productive to focus on. I felt lost and confused and dim witted. Somehow the time passed. I ate lots of cake in the hospital cafeteria. My parents visited a lot; my mom went with me to my scary doctors appointments. We would both eat cake. I think I was taking refuge in the cafeteria, because it seemed like the greatest place at the time.  I had three doctors appointments each week for a while: wound care, OB, liver specialist. Doctor, pump, NICU, cafeteria, sleep, repeat.  I guess we only renewed our monthly parking pass 3 times, but it felt like 10.

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Often A. would sleep through our visit, often he would fuss in discomfort. On those days I would leave deflated. Other days he would engage and interact with me and it felt like the moon in my hands, we would have conversations staring at each other. There were good days practicing breast feeding and bottle feeding and scary days where he choked badly. Once he stopped breathing — choking while breastfeeding — and I had to shout out for the nurse. I think that incident had some lasting traumatic effects, because for months afterwards I would break out in a sweat with anxiety every time I nursed him.

There were three blood transfusions, no surgeries, 8 days on the ventilator, many weeks on CPAP, then vapotherm, then nasal cannula. He stayed in the ISCU for three weeks after he was off oxygen because he was having a hard time eating via nipple. He did better with breastfeeding than with the bottle (an uncommon occurrence), but still not well enough to get a full feeding, eight feedings per day. Each day in the ISCU seemed so long. I started getting more demanding with the nurses, quizzing them at the beginning of their shifts. I was starting to believe that I could take better care of him than they.  We would get hopeful that he would be coming home, then have to wait. May came, and with it his due date, my birthday, and Mothers Day, all passed. Everyone kept saying, “It’ll be at least two more weeks.” Then on May 15th he yanked out his own feeding tube and they didn’t put it back in. On May 16th they said he was coming home tomorrow. I don’t think it was until that day that we let ourselves totally believe he was really ours, that we would get to keep him. That we could really be this lucky.

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It’s been 10 months since A. was born on February 9th 2008, and it is still hard to sit and write out his birth story. But here I go. I don’t expect that this will be especially well written.

On Saturday the 9th, my mom and uncle came down to Seattle to visit me and W. in the hospital. We had had a scary night the night before, which involved radiology staff coming in for a midnight ultrasound. As she and my uncle were leaving, my mom said, “Well tonight will be quiet and you two can rest.”   Within 30 minutes after they left at 7pm, the on-call OB in my OB’s practice came in and said that my recent bloodwork showed that my liver function test was elevated to 500. Normal levels are 0-40.  He calmly, nervously told me I was developing HELLP Syndrome and that he would need to deliver the baby within an hour in order to save my life. This OB is a paisley moustached large-stomached bow-tie wearing balding straight man who is apparently rude to nurses yet kind to patients, the only man in a practice of pretty cool, with-it women. He is not the person I imagined delivering my baby.  W. called my mom’s cell and in a shaky, urgent voice that made what was happening seem more real, told her and my uncle to turn around and come back to be with us– the baby was going to be delivered.  Not really the “labor announcement” I had dreamed about. But then, this didn’t feel like labor; it felt like an emergency surgery to save my life that may or may not result in a baby. Our birthing classes hadn’t even started yet. I was given gross stuff to drink that would keep me from choking on my own vomit during surgery, and Magnesium Sulfate to prevent seizures due to possible liver failure.  Everything started happening very fast. My uncle crying at the sink. My mom oddly calm. I was terrified, yet focused on the pressing dilemma of my unprepared ipod. I had been compiling music for my Birth Playlist, loading it with stuff I loved and stuff I didn’t really know yet, because I thought I had three more months to narrow the selection.  I told the OB and anesthesiologist that I would remain much more calm and sane during the surgery if I could listen to music, they said it was ok as long as I could still hear them.  Nurses talking, stressed, the surgery room better open up soon before my platelets go.  I was rolled into surgery with W. and my mom, they got caps and gowns. The anesthesiologist was rather chatty, drinking coffee, just doing his job. Epidural, metal table, bright lights. My body being lifted.  A curtain between me and the delivery. W. sobbing hysterically telling me You’re so calm, you’re so brave, I love you so much, oh my god you’re just laying there you’re so calm. I wasn’t calm, I was still with fear.  All of the music I didn’t know was coming on, I kept telling W. to skip to the next song. I was baffled by my mom’s calmness and even excitement (?) that this was a Birth (?).  She even took pictures. I am so so grateful she did take pictures because they are proof that I gave birth.  Proof to myself that this took place in real-life; not in a nightmare.  The perinatologist and the OB were doing the C-Section together. My mom said they were both sweating the whole time, concentrating.  There was a lot of tugging. It felt like something bigger than me was being tugged from my insides. I felt my numb body shake weakly like jello under the forceful tugging. He cried. I knew you would cry. February 9th at 9:09pm.  1lb 9oz, 12.5″ long. Nurses and a neonatologist were ready for him. I didn’t see him. There was more to the surgery after he came out, the placenta, tugging, sewing. Gagging. My body lifted to another table. Drugged. Laying down to meet my son. I was told where I was going, in the elevator, laying down, rolling down halls. I was scared to look at him. It felt like he wasn’t mine anymore. But that is him, that’s the baby my body made, somehow.  I got to touch him. I grabbed onto his foot. The nurse said that preemies respond better to gentle, firm cupping than stroking. But I got to hold and rub his foot before I knew better, and I carried that feeling of his foot in my hand for three months. I had called him Butterfly during the pregnancy. His movements had felt like butterfly wings.  So here we are. I didn’t think I would meet you this way, but this is it. You are here. “Hi, Butterfly Boy. I love you.”

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I wish therapy had been required postpartum treatment. Then it wouldn’t have taken me so many months to finally seek it myself.

Dots are being connected. Healing is happening.

constellations

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